Many women in their 30’s and up are in long term relationships. At this point you could be married or in a committed relationship for 15+ years. In the beginning you probably experienced the same kind of desire that we see in movies or read in spicy novels. The kind of lust of where you want to rip each other's clothes off. For lack of a better word you were horny! And that was great but now after 15+ years that desire has most likely dried up. What happened? Where did the desire go? Well for one thing the new and excitingness of being in a new relationship has worn off. And second, movies and books are not real. To understand what is going on you have to understand the two kinds of desire. Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire. This is where the cookies come in too.
Imagine you are someone who is always thinking about cookies. You see a glass of milk and think “Oh man I want a cookie!” You have a sweet tooth, you crave cookies! Cookies=Sex. This is spontaneous desire. When this is your desire style, it is very easy for your brain to take any stimuli and link it up with sex. This is the type of desire a lot of men have.
Responsive desire is when you don’t think about cookies till you walk by a bakery and smell them baking. You think “Hmmm cookies would be good right now.” You have to smell them baking before you even think about them. This is the type of desire a majority of women experience. This means that you need certain things to happen before you start thinking about sex. For example, experiencing closeness, hand holding, massage, making out etc.
Both types of desire are completely normal. The goal isn't to try to get you to switch to spontaneous desire. The goal instead is to have you figure out what turns you on, and even what turns you off. Think of your turn ons as your accelerator and the turn offs as the brakes. You want your foot on the pedal and off the brakes.
Both types of desire can be successfully navigated even when partners have different styles. Remember to be patient with yourself as you navigate your turn ons and turn offs. Think about past sexual encounters with your partner that worked, where the desire came quickly. What happened that made you more turned on and more in the mood for sex? Make sure you are sharing these with your partner so everyone gets their fair share of cookies- I mean sex.
