Between kids and busy work schedules it can be hard for couples to find the time to be intimate. There tends to always be one person in the partnership who is more interested in having sex. Scheduling sex can be a good way to meet the needs of each person. That is why many therapists who work with couples have suggested that scheduling sex could be the solution. It seems that people have strong feelings for and against it. Let’s go through some of the pros and cons so you and your partner can decide if it’s something you should try.
The Cons
- No spontaneity. This is probably the biggest complaint couples tend to have toward scheduling sex. Many people like to know that sex is possible at any time. Knowing that sex is supposed to happen can also add extra pressure and performance anxiety for both parties.
- Feels Like a Chore. Some see scheduling something as a task that they aren’t looking forward to, like a dentist appointment, or a meeting for work.
- What if another night it happens naturally? Or what if something unavoidable comes up and we can’t? I think this one is kind of funny. Go with the flow! If it happens naturally on a different night then good for you! If you miss it because something else comes up then reschedule. Whatever works for you and your partner is what is important.
The Pros
- Creates Intentionality. Makes your relationship and sex a priority. When sex is a guarantee this helps you not have “sex droughts”. Scheduling benefits the partner who is more eager for sex. They know they are going to have sex. This can keep one person from feeling unwanted or uncared for.
- Builds Excitement. Having a set day and time can promote more flirtatious behavior as you look forward to your scheduled time.
- Takes Pressure Off Other Nights. I like this one. This means other days of the week you can snuggle, talk, and cuddle your partner without wondering “Where is this going?”
- Avoids Mixed Messages. Sometimes when someone is always initiating sex and getting turned down it can make them feel rejected. Or on the other side if you feel like you are having sex when you don’t want to it can lead to resentment. When sex is scheduled you can avoid having these thoughts and emotions. Everyone is on the same page.
- Intimacy Gets Prioritized. Treat it like an appointment. Prioritize your day and time and don’t schedule over it.
In the end, scheduling sex works if both partners are open to the idea. It is only wrong if you both aren’t for it. Talk with your partner about your pros and cons and decide if you want to give it a try. Making scheduled time for sex can be beneficial for busy couples and couples raising a family. It’s easy to inadvertently put your intimacy last on your to-do list. Remember scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring. How you plan it and how you do it are two different things. Stay curious, till next time.
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